Monday, December 19, 2005

New Rules for 2006

Got this via email today and thought I'd share the rules with all of you. Please be advised some people may be offended by the following. If you're easily offended, I'm not sure why you stopped here in the first place.

New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, the chili costs less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule #3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule #4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule #5: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extradry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule #7: Girls, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. Come on, it's right above the crack of yourass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You were just high when you picked it out.
New Rule #8: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule #9: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule #10: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule #11: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

9 comments:

InterstellarLass said...

HA HA! Amen.

vojxxxkv <--- ooooh! I have 'xxx' in my word verification! how naughty!

crys said...

HI-larious. especially loved number 6.

that pretty much made my day.

oh and lass, my first car had this on its license plate: SHH 6XX :)

Coyote Mike said...

I agree with all of this.

Lass is always naughty.

And one of my old licence plates ended with the number 666

Someone stole one of them.

michaelm said...

Oh, my... LMAO.
This is really, really well written.
My favs:3,6 & 7
You'll be seeing a link in the next day or two.
Wonderful.

~m

Bone said...

Enjoyed those, Carney.

Esp. the eyebrows one. And those last three were all brilliant. Just heard some lady say the other day that her baby was "15 months."

I don't feel like dividing by 12 and figuring up how old these kids are. And when does that stop anyway. When someone asks my Mom how old I am, she doesn't say "Oh, he's 394 months." Actually, I don't think she knows how old I am, but that's not the point.

MarkD60 said...

So true!

rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

"Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards."

no words needed you said it all. thanks for the deviled eggs.

Coyote Mike said...

I'm bored, move to nebraska and play monopoly with me. Or scrabble. Maybe checkers.

Carnealian said...

Lass-like Mike said you are naughty, and speaking of naughty, did you watch Nip/Tuck last night?
Crys-I think I almost teeter on being a Starbucks asshole...I usually order a non-fat, decaf, venti mocha...yikes!
Michael-have to agree with your top choices, especially the tattoo thing!
Bone-I have eyebrow issues, can't stand when they get all crazy. Have an appt next week to get them shaped up! And since I'm mathematically challenged, forget about me figuring out the dividing by 12 thing!
Mark-Hi! Good to see you back here again!
Rev-Yea, the eggs...they must have gotten lost in the mail, damn mailmen!
Mike-how about Trivial Pursuit! Or you could move to PA, there's plenty to do here.